What does it mean to heal? How do you know if you are healed?
I’m sure there are many definitions, but to me, healing is a return to harmony. Harmony within the body. Harmony with all of life.
It means slowing down, becoming quiet, and facing what’s there.
The “facing what’s there” part is often the scariest. We tend to spend our lives numbing, distracting, deflecting, and chasing. We stay in anger to avoid the real hurt. We fall into depression, ruminating over the past. We buzz with anxiety, worrying about what hasn’t happened yet. We busy ourselves almost constantly. Anything to keep us from sitting in stillness with ourselves- in real presence with what’s there. Ignoring and shutting out what wants to surface from inside us creates immense discord in our minds, bodies, and lives.
The first words the trees ever channeled through me were, “slow down and be quiet.” Those words changed my entire life, and I’ve spent the last six years deepening my understanding of their meaning. My life looked really different back then, and I have been on an intense journey of self-discovery and healing ever since.
The first step toward healing is to notice. Begin to observe what’s happening in your mind and in your body. Create a new layer of awareness where you gently watch your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Slow down in order to create this new layer of observation. When you’re driving or walking, consider turning everything off sometimes and, without judgment, notice what naturally comes up. With curiosity and amusement, let your thoughts form and then drift away, like clouds moving across the sky. Notice the busyness of the mind. Simply breathe and allow it to be. This practice is a powerful one, and in my experience, it is the first real step toward finding inner peace.
I’m writing this after a powerful conversation with my daughter, Anna. She called with a quick question about something on the calendar, and we ended up talking for almost an hour. We were in a beautiful, open flow, and we could feel Thomas with us. We talked about her recent experiences with my family and how deeply she loves each of them. I shared my gratitude for her open heart, her natural positivity, and all the ways her angelic presence blesses all our lives. It was emotional for both of us. I feel so thankful to be her mother. Each of our children carries a vibrant, unique, powerful essence. I am continually amazed by the joy it brings to be part of their worlds. They are brilliant, kind, thoughtful, courageous, and deeply connected. They look out for one another like I have never seen siblings do and they show genuine love and care to each of their parents.
Two months after meeting AJ, we decided to get matching tattoos. With a fear of needles, it wasn’t something AJ ever thought he’d do. He had shown me the song Luckiest by Ben Folds, and it captured so clearly how we both felt. We felt it so strongly, we decided to do something crazy. I did not know soulmate levels of love really existed until I felt it and so did he.
Even though our love for each other never went away, the story of our love has been long, painful, and at times deeply challenging. There were moments that felt overwhelming, scary, and confusing for both of us. To get to this place, we went further into ourselves and our partnership than I ever thought possible. We faced our deepest wounds, both individually and together. Our love was undeniable but it felt turbulent until we each committed to doing our own healing. We realized we couldn’t fully repair the relationship until we cleared what was within us.
I have been humbled to my core by the depth of courage, strength, and unconditional love AJ has shown through every part of the fire that forged our love. His willingness to open, even in the hardest, scariest moments. The way he has trusted me with his heart. His courage to explore spirituality within himself, and the way he has created safety for me to fully step into my gifts. AJ is strong, wise, brave, kind, and patient. I admire him deeply and love him with all that I am.
After all of it, after the vulnerability and the courage it took to walk into my own deep darkness, I can say I am more healed than I have ever been. From a terrifying and worsening experience with MS to the depths of depression, I have found healing.
That tattoo on my back from fourteen and a half years ago has never felt more true.
I live a life filled with love and joy. I spend my days sharing my gifts, learning, exploring new ways to express my creativity, and being present with the people I love. I cherish each day, every moment with my children, AJ, and the people closest to me. I have more energy now than I did at 21. While I continue to grieve the loss of my son, I also feel a deep sense of joy knowing how many hearts he continues to touch, here and beyond.
I am the luckiest.
And I want everyone to feel that way.
For me, the first step toward that feeling was simple:
Slow down. Be quiet.
