The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey of Atonement
I now understand the dark night of the soul as the journey of atonement—the treacherous road back to yourself. Becoming at-one with yourself, which is to become one with everything.
What I feel when I sit with the story of Jesus Christ is not just that he suffered for us, but that he showed us the path back into wholeness. The atonement feels like a living reminder that nothing is truly separate, that even in the deepest pain, we are still connected—to love, to source, to god, to creation, to the universe, to each other.
Jesus walked through the illusion of separation so fully and consciously that he revealed what has always been true: we are already one, already held, already divine. He didn’t save us, he showed us how to remember ourselves, how to come back into union within our own hearts, and with all that is.
There have been times in the last 6 years I didn’t know if I could keep going. I have dug deeper into the depths of this life than I could have ever imagined. Times have felt lower than rock bottom. To think that there are so many who have suffered far more immensely is humbling. The darkness has felt so deep and heavy, at times more than I thought I could bear. AJ held me up and helped me through many times. My children and AJ are the reason I’m still here. Their presence and true love have been my saving grace.
Trauma and the Body
The terror of healing begins with trauma—sometimes the first trauma is childbirth, and for others, like me, it starts in utero.
We carry memory in our DNA, in our tissues, in every cell. Our organic matter holds the information and coding of life itself. Each of us contains infinite intelligence. Our DNA carries the memory of our ancestors, and memories from other lifetimes. Everything that came before you, and everything that exists around you, lives within this infinite field.
None of this is linear. It is multi-layered, multi-faceted, deeply connected, vast, beautiful, and always evolving. The love and brilliance of our creation reaches far beyond what our human minds can currently comprehend.
You don’t have to take my word for it. This all exists within you. I am simply reminding you: it’s all there. It’s all perfect. It’s all you. All you need to do is slow down, be quiet, breathe deeply, and open your heart.
We Are Instruments
Think of yourself as an instrument in the most glorious band or orchestra. A cosmic, multidimensional guitar, perhaps. You have infinite layers, infinite strings, and the ability to play and create new melodies without end– New vibrations that open you into deeper and deeper realms of feeling and experience.
In this physical reality, the nervous system acts as the strings of your guitar. The heart, brain, and body all feel and experience the strummings of your instrument. It is very intense and thrilling to experience oneself as a human being.
Outside the body, our instruments—our souls—play in perfect harmony. A perfect vibration, formation, and frequency. We come into these experiences to create new experiences, new energies, new frequencies, new depths, new fears, new pain, and therefore new growth and joy.
Learning from Thomas
Thomas has shown me countless vibrations and frequencies. He has bathed me in the Flower of Life and shown me the extraordinary healing power of opening to my own feminine energies. He has shown me that we are all made of pure light, love, and infinite cosmic intelligence. He has blown my mind and heart wide open.
Thomas has shown me that we forget our true creator nature only to find ourselves again—each experience in time ultimately providing more love, more learning, more joy. Challenging ourselves to master the body and remember again and again. New depths, new growth, new thrill, new understanding. It’s all perfect.
Jesus Kate has always said the simplest words in the most beautiful, divinely feminine and comforting voice: “It’s okay.” The pain we experience here is born from the illusion of death and separateness, something we create for our own growth and understanding. Beneath it all, it is love. It is intelligence.
We are the instrument, the player, the creator of the instrument, the creator of the creator, and so on. We are an inseparable extension of the whole. Consciousness born of consciousness.
Nature and Creation
Look at nature—how this earth has evolved from nothing but rock and water to a vast, breathtaking diversity of life and beauty, far more than any one person could ever experience in a single lifetime.
We are this life force. This is our divine nature. Growing and evolving, creating new beauty, depth, complexity, intelligence and joy. We are the earth, the stars, moons, planets, and oceans. We are everything, experiencing itself as a unique part of the puzzle—the great mystery of our ancient being.
Science is putting language to what many humans have long forgotten. Technology and intelligence that existed long before this current timeline of human discovery.
Just like all of nature, we never stop growing, expanding, learning, and creating—making more and more beautiful creations. We are the painter, the paint, the canvas, and beyond.
Struggle as Growth
Struggle in this life is the mechanism for our growth—the soil to our roots. We find our own light in the darkness. Once we realize the value of difficulty, life begins to feel easier. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” we can ask, “What is there to gain from this? How can I learn and grow here?”
When we slow down and enter alignment with our own nature, we find peace in the nervous system, and life feels more harmonious and joyful. Aches, pains, and ailments may begin to fade.
Life feels almost surreal and magical when you realize everything is energy, everything is consciousness, and everything is organized. Things that used to bother us might now seem amusing or even disappear.
Letting go of the need to control the outcome and finding a sense of true presence allows life not to happen to you, but to move through you—like the wind moving through a flute. Low notes, high notes, new, never-discovered notes. All for your joy, pleasure, learning, and amusement.
Divine Connection
How special it is to realize that we are all divine beings. To hurt another is to hurt ourselves. We are all reflections of one another, challenging and helping each other. As Ram Dass says, “We’re all just walking each other home.”
From the very beginning, life places our melody into discord. Though the environment may be harsh, a baby is as pure and close as possible to having all their gifts and consciousness intact. They see and recognize beings, angels, and other dimensions because they are unprogrammed. Babies often recognize other souls—in bodies and in spirit form.
Thomas shows me the difference between heaven and hell—harmony and disharmony. The difference is fear. There is no real fear without the body and the illusion of separateness.
All I have ever experienced with these beings on “the other side” is pure elation, joy, and angelic connection. The other side is all around us. It is layered within this reality. We just have to open our hearts to recognize it.
Experiencing Thomas
When Thomas passed away in October of 2023 at the age of 17, I found myself in absolute terror. There are no words for the nightmare it was. We all thought Tom was invincible. He is so strong and brave and quietly powerful.
On his arm, he had a beautiful tattoo he drew himself about a year before: a rose with the words, “ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE.”
Ten days later, his dad and other mom arranged for a tattoo artist to come to their home. Almost all of us got a matching tattoo with Thomas that day.
I see those words on my forearm every day. I stare at his beautiful writing and artwork. I am eternally grateful for all the artwork he left— portraits he sketched of me, my granny, and himself—they hang around my bed. I often imagine him sitting and drawing each of them, taking the time to create something he knew would mean the world to his mom. His heart is so big, so beautiful.
Thomas’s transition has revealed to me the meaning of those words on his tattoo on a far deeper level. Surviving doesn’t mean escaping death. Surviving means understanding that these lives and bodies are not the end, but a passage– a sacred experience to deepen our joy, love, and connection.
Thomas has shown himself to me as a bridge many times. He is a cosmic, angelic, multidimensional, multi-vibrational being—pure love, joy, art, music, starlight, intelligence– purely and uniquely Thomas.
He wants to help us realize we can exist in the dimensions of heaven and earth at once when we open our hearts to love, beauty, vulnerability, and connectedness. He wants us to know that he is still right here with us, an integral, irreplaceable, vibrant and special part of our family, of humanity, and of all of creation. He wants you to know that your loved ones are also right here with you, doing their best to guide you back home to yourself.
Presence, Healing, and the Infinite
Thomas and I shared many beautiful, healing moments together during his physical time here. We had high-level spiritual conversations filled with love and amusement. Constantly, I was astounded by his wisdom and perspective. On one such day, sitting face-to-face in his bedroom, he placed a hand on each of my shoulders, looked deeply into my eyes, and said, “Mom. It’s not real. None of this is real.”
I replied, “I know, Thomas. This all might not be what we think, but it is something. It is real.”
We were both right. It is something. It is real. But it isn’t what we think it is.
Thomas says, “The difference between heaven and hell is fear.” There is no fear where Thomas exists. To meet him in that space—to feel nothing but pure joy, love, relief, and elation—is the most magical experience beyond imagination.
To experience Thomas with Jesus Kate and Eepert, to be introduced by them to countless beings and collectives, to experience his healing frequencies, to witness his beauty beyond comprehension, to be initiated into ancient energies —it is mind-blowing, heart-exploding, and I am eternally thankful.
Final Reflection
Your soul is a unique, magnificent, perfect aspect of the whole of creation. You are one with the intelligence that created this existence. An extraordinary, incomparable, one-of-a-kind thread, woven into this grand tapestry of life and all creation.
Humans are not separate from the stars. We are part of them and they are part of us. We are exactly where we chose to be. Life is not happening to you. It is happening for you.
The key is to slow down. Be quiet. Breathe deeply. Sit with yourself. This is the bravest work. Most people don’t realize how terrified they are to really sit with themselves.
When we exist in stillness and pure presence, we can simply notice what thoughts and feelings arise. Like tiny bubbles rising to the surface of our consciousness, we take the seat of an observer. We notice and allow. We breathe deeply and give ourselves permission to simply be.
The terror of healing can feel very real. But through this work– through love, presence, and connection– we find ourselves again. We realize that it’s all okay. With our hearts open and our lives aligned with the infinite love already within us, we can experience our celestial being fully, here in this beautiful and extraordinary physical existence.
